What Else

These are slightly less resolved thoughts; not necessarily Japan related.

01/26/08:

I’m getting a sense of the whole. I woke up this morning, proud of myself for coming into the world before 9:30 on a Saturday, and laid there with my eyes closed feeling justified in my inaction.

It may not be that things are becoming more coherent; morphing into a clear, unified picture; certainly there are as many questions now as there were before. But it does seem as though my concern for the unattainability of a cohesive truth is fading. Ironically, this means that things fall into place much more smoothly; only after I’ve given up my pursuit for it has it been maintainable.

This means that I am a generally happier guy. There are moments when things get overwhelming, but these are moments surrounded by a more or less even calm, in which daily occurrences are not continually forced into a larger, meaningful context. Events are left as they are, taken for what they are.

This does not deny me the analytical-critical perspective I was sure would be destroyed with the coming of a general acceptance. Rather, it is to a degree freeing for a more intuitive, concise approach to the struggle for survival.

As I lay there, half-awake and self-satisfied, I began to re-evaluate what I had always told myself and others I would like to do with my life but had never really placed much emphasis of truth on: teaching. The conclusion of my meandering, well-meaning, semi-conscious self was that I could very well handle and find value in it. Specifically, organizing a lesson, as though it were a complete review from start to finish, a model of, the whole of a particular body of thought entirely appealed to me.

Most notably, the academic setting is like a tiny, controlled version of actuality. Even if things are diverse and complicated out there, in the classroom, the professor sets the standards for discussion. Intellectual pursuit is possible only when the confounding variables are kept to a minimum, when problems are broken down to their basic components, and a particular goal–say, explaining the physiological processes underlying a particular sensation–is sought after.

This is the realm in which I excel. Not that I am somehow inept when it comes to managing my practical existence, though I may be worse than others, but that a realm of conceptual, rather than tangible, progress is where I feel the most substantial growth can be made.

The fact of the matter is that I find myself in both realms: one of desiring change in the world around me, and one of recognizing that, no matter the progress or creation that occurs outside, I will be startlingly unsatisfied unless I can manifest the fruits of my analytical enterprising in the stark objectivity of my situation. Without finding why, more or less, the world is rather vague. Able to effectively operate in it I might be, but fulfilled or happy certainly not.

There is other value to be found outside of the world of academia, but this seems to be at the heart of a career in it.